Not everybody CAN be the sharpest tool in the shed or the brightest bulb in the drawer, and most people have to settle for being simply mediocre in the IQ department. Then…there are these people. The absolute Olympians of incredibly stupid behavior. The dullest of the dull, they give new meaning to the phrase “bird-brained.” Buckle up, because this is one wild ride.

1. Tea Time

This was probably one of the stupidest people I’ve ever met. He was a 26-year-old male and turned up an hour and a half late the first day for work. He was brought in by his mom, which I thought was kinda odd for a grown man. I let that slide…but then things just got worse. It was a small roadside cafe/eatery, so I thought I’d get him started on small duties to ease him into the way of the place.

I asked him to put new toilet paper in the toilets. A minute or so later, I hear him yelling “HEEEYYYYY, it won’t fit on the toilet roll holder!” I’m like what? That’s a pretty simple thing. He calls out again so I tell him to bring it to me so I can show him. That’s when I realize he’s carrying a roll of paper towel; it’s almost three times the length of the toilet paper holder.

I say, “That is paper towel.” “No it’s not” “Yes, it is! Have you ever seen toilet paper that big in your life?” “Uh…no” “Right, furthermore, and probably more perplexing—can you not see that this massive roll couldn’t possibly fit on this small bar?” “Yeah, I thought that was odd.” Oh boy, well, the day goes on and after the kitchen is pretty much closed except for pre-cooked baked goods, I get him to give a general clean and ask to make sure he wipes down all the benches.

I leave him to it as I assume he’s doing fine. I found out my mistake far too late. One of the other staff comes and says we’ve run out of toilet paper, and I’m like what? That’s not possible. Sure enough, all the packs are torn open and empty except for the rolls on the holders. At this stage I realize there can only be one culprit, and call the guy over.

“Did you do something with the toilet paper?” WHAT IS WITH THIS GUY AND TOILET PAPER? “Yes, I used it to wipe down the benches in the kitchen” “You used EIGHT rolls of toilet paper to wipe down the benches in the kitchen?! WHY are you using toilet paper to wipe down benches?” “I don’t like using the dishcloth” “WHO taught you to wipe down benches with toilet paper? Have you ever seen anyone wipe down benches with toilet paper?”

“The cloth was dirty and I didn’t want to clean it out.” By this stage I’m thinking, day’s nearly over, just let it go and I’m sure it will work out fine…yeah, you know what’s coming. He strikes again, and this time, it’s beyond moronic. So I’ve got him on serving customers pastries and the like because all you have to do is take it out of the glass bay, put it on a plate, and give it to them.

He doesn’t even have to ring it up, just pop on plate and give. Well, one of the customers’ orders three scones with jam and cream. He’s behind the counter doing his thing and I have a little peek and see, yes, he’s cut them in half and managed to put jam and cream on them. About a minute later, the customer brings the scones back up to the counter.

“There’s something really hard in these scones, I bit down and it was like crunching on a rock or something” Of course I’m puzzled “Oh, I’m really sorry about that—” when the guy cuts in: “It’s probably just the seeds in the jam.” There’s something about the way he says this that makes my alarm bells ring. “Show me what you put on these scones.”

I start marching toward the prep bench, and sitting on the bench is the bowl of whipped cream…and next to it, in a plastic bag, is a broken glass jar that contains the jam. This idiot is feeding the customer broken glass. “I didn’t think it would be a big deal.” “Are you insane?!” I grab the plate of mostly uneaten glass-infused scones.

“How is anyone supposed to eat this?” To my utter—utter—amazement, he proceeds to EAT THEM, in front of me, all the while crunching on glass and flinching every time he does. I’m paralyzed dumbfounded. When he finishes eating them he says, “Do you think I should go to the hospital?” I could only reply: “You’re fired.” I will never forget this until my last day.


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